| oh well |
[23 Jul 2009|11:55pm] |
I'm hopeless
hopelessly needy and wanting and thinking
not acting or making just fondly idling like parked in front of the garage and i watch the cars drive by and fall in love with their speed and motion
i cant get my shit in drive
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| scattering shattered tears |
[30 Jun 2009|10:56pm] |
Moving from one obsession to the next, looking back makes me realise this
And then regret sets in for all the moves i never made and beautiful things i never said
it starts feeling like a string of lost chances and unfulfilled ideals of love that if i set it as a goal in life then i might be failing taking everything just a little too slow and not knowing where i stand till someone tells me oh! okay i see, wait its gone...nothing to do but move on
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| idle underachiver |
[16 Jun 2009|01:05am] |
decided to make some waves in the bath
watched the boat turn over and got scared
fear of power of thoughts and a swish of the hand
patience of the idle
contentment of the underachiever
amazement of child who saw life turn and roll away out of control
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| fond of all i've never had |
[02 Jun 2009|12:48am] |
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we reach so hard for each other and cant see that our fingers stretch past the wrist and realize we've over extended ourselves and touched nothing. as we fall back grazing fingers and cursing ourselves we swear we won't make the same mistake, promise openness and awareness. then get distracted and its too late. blame it on fate and start working towards another blind target.
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| Renewal |
[27 May 2009|11:48pm] |
ooohhhhhhhh
sounds building up structure
creating tracks for my lingering thoughts
weaving in and out
supporting a new cave to dig endlessly into
increased arousal in each interaction
more energy and craving in every touch
never gonna sort this shit out
part of a new shifting surroundings
floods in and out
erosion of relations and securities
try some structure, building some foundation that will surely change
no doubt you can blend until its brown
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|
[01 Mar 2009|12:03pm] |
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I started writing this book four year ago I was just as silly and I am now, just as obsessed with some one some love i think i deserve but don't know how to earn, just as insecure when i look at myself, more able to hide it now and better at making friends, i've had more lovers and am less judgmental or better at hiding that too... I think i know what people want and i decide whether i want to please them or not i am more invested in this life that was previously forsaken, that faking turned into making something out of myself when i thought i was useless it was easier to believe this is meaningless but as i find more things to love there are more reasons to keep it going and i am pretty sure i don't take enough advantage of my mind in seeking out the things that make this life more but i rationalise with my personal philosophy so how i live is the best way i could even though i want to burn the trail behind me and forget that embarrassment that growth gives you for your past and if i could decorate my room over and over again with mementos and beautiful symbols of my loves in life and tears hang around saying dont forget this painful truth of ohhhh fuck it
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|
[03 Feb 2009|08:10pm] |
I'll force feed you me
and we'll be friend forever
open the hanger and swallow my love
it hurts just for now but you'll love me later
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| too scared to go to bed |
[16 Jun 2008|11:28pm] |
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my roommate is at her girlfriend's, so i smoke in my room with the window open and plan on burning incense immediately afterwards. Theres plenty of blankets, since E&G left so many things here...but my favourite part are the things they didn't have time or concern to remove, like the hair ties with knots of hair in them on my vanity and the grey male razor in our shower caddy.
I'm reminded of all the time I talk and no one responds everyday when the four year olds ignore me when i tell them to sit down and eat their sandwiches. Like a school teacher, ignored...how many times do I have to say your name to get you to answer, after three it loses all meaning.
Its time to get a kitten to protect me from these creepy fiction novels i read
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| Ridiculous |
[11 Jan 2008|10:47am] |
Nothing could be any sillier than my silly life right now
say no to all these ladies?
tumbling towards me like some epicenter
as if its going to convince me of something i could never believe
worthless-when all i want is what they avoid
its so specific like a pin point of light
hit miss miss miss miss miss marry me right now and we'll fake that fire or start it with some sticks and hay in a cave cold and damp and awkward as we are how dare anyone look at me that way without the intentions of entirety of life
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| these times |
[28 May 2007|12:19am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
joanna newsom |
] |
it seems like all but a few are on break from this update forum
it doesn't seem odd.
natural progression losing touch with so many things
grains of sand literally slipping through our fingers
little people captured in tiny stones.
if time doesn't exist then i plan on counting my year by the amount of loved ones that have died or the amount of cats i have, both numbers will grow as the time goes on.
right now i think im 2 and 0
i will never forget how much i love california as long as i remember my time in ireland
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| Ireland; land of destruction |
[31 Jan 2007|12:50am] |
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This is where its going to happen. I am going to fuck up everything.
Go into credit card debit
Forget to fill out and thus lose my financial aid
Fail out of college
Become a useless alcoholic
End up living in my home town
working a shitty job...
alone
with my cats
wandering around the bay barefoot
with long grey hair
withered and old
homeless
all because i wanted to see the world
well its all very clear now...
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| lie in wait |
[21 Nov 2006|12:44am] |
Something must happen soon, something that reassures my choice to be here.
There have been some serious doubts, and i want to stop wanting to be at home.
Someone needs to tie me here, so i lie here in wait for someone to tell me this is the place.
nothing is here until someone makes me here
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| the country |
[30 Oct 2006|06:47pm] |
this weekend i went away
i took a bus across the country
to a magical land
where i walked a gorge
jumped off some cliffs
wrestled in mud
hiked through the forrest
chased sheep through a bog
then took a bus through nowhere
and ended up in a bar with men
some old some young, both had to be fended off
chest hair was exposed
boobs were almost groped
free sambuca was drank
two men exploded with anger
clasping to each other in rage
ripped apart and clothes torn
american politics were discussed, as always
Chips consumed, then a travel through nowhere
back to somewhere
come morning we retreated to our city life
driving back through the country
underneath a rainbow
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| ireland |
[17 Oct 2006|05:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jeff buckley |
] |
This is obviously one of those days
when you wake up bleeding from your baby hole
which will never be a baby hole
because the only men you meet
call you an evil american
or are bleeding from the face
so you go to school where
you're as awkward as 13
make a comment in a class
and forget about making any friends in it
walk home and get a check from grandmother
walk to the bank
thats closed
at 4pm
and realize all you have is a worthless piece of american paper
so you walk home on the grey sidewalk
through the grey pouring rain
looking at the grey sky
to a cold empty house
and all you have is tea and telly to comfort you
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| Far away |
[04 Oct 2006|05:29pm] |
I'm stuck between two countries.
I want to know all about friends back home,
i want constant e-mails. But i want to ignore it all
and throw myself into Ireland's sweet manly arms.
I guess no one expects me to email them everyday.
But if they do, I still can't. ahhhhhhh
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| shit |
[08 Aug 2006|10:51pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the song that needs words |
] |
i'm fucking entangled
in this crescendo
no matter how many drugs
i will never be sure of it
how can i get out of it?
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| get hyphy |
[29 Jul 2006|11:12pm] |
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shakin my dreads, cause i got some now
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| perspiration on the upper lip |
[22 Jul 2006|09:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
white stripes- one more cup of coffee |
] |
Its so hot that i feel like i'm evaporating
everything is
people keep saying surreal things to me
like they want me to leave
everyone is sick of me
i smoke too much i feel like i cant hear what anyone is saying
especially when he shuts me out
he told me i am tying him down
funny how he feels like that more when i'm two hundred miles away than in los osos
imagine 5000
he wont be able to breathe
i'm making a list of everything i'm going to take
its like a phil paper, concise
i have to do some shopping
i have to do a lot
like talk to the people in the bank about money
every time i have to do something like talk to people i just want to walk up and say "i have no clue what i'm doing, can you help me?"
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| the solstice brings |
[13 Jul 2006|07:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
his |
] |
new eyes view the vast lands that we walk towards as
they say
you'll have to walk a long time to get where we're going
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| lazy days ahead |
[18 Apr 2006|08:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
weezer |
] |
Right now is just a flurry of tasks and thoughts
of too many things..but summer is coming............in four ellipses
exciting
excitation
of girls
laying around campus half naked
this is the best time of the year
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